Life's Toughest Moments - a book written by Jennifer Smith, RN, and Bradie Kvinsland, CCLS, to help families advocate for their child during the end-of-life stage, create meaningful memories and take steps in the first few days after the child has died.

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A Global-HELP Publication.

Sample content from Life's Toughest Moments:

What is a care conference?

A care conference is a meeting where you and your child's health care team discuss treatment options and plans. The health care team may include doctors, nurses, your social worker and anyone else that has helped care for your child. The role of your child's health care team is to provide you with enough information to understand and discuss the next steps. There may be several options to consider. You and your family may make decisions at a later time or express your wishes during the meeting. Once you have had time to talk and think, create a written plan that will serve as a guide for your health care team.

Other family members and friends may second guess your decisions to change to comfort care. Remember that he is your child and that you are doing the best for him, even if it means allowing him to die. To take the burden off of you, request that the medical professionals meet with your family members.

While your child is still alive make memories...

• Take lots of pictures
• Save a lock of hair or fingerprints
• Record her voice
• Have him draw a picture or write for you and do the same for them
• Invite friends in
• Ask if your child has things she'd like to do (talk with Uncle Steve, see her friend Grace, listen to the Dixie Chicks, meet with a spiritual leader... the options can be endless.
• Share your special memories with each other, the fun and favorite stories.

"We had a funeral service for Brandon and we also had a celebration of his life. As people were coming over to visit before the celebration, they were given big pieces of white poster board to write special memories and display pictures. We put them up around the boat we took out to spread his ashes and we were all able to walk around and cry and laugh, re-living Brandon's memories." - Shirley

Although surviving children have feelings of grief similar to those of an adult, they often express those feelings differently because they are young and do not have the same coping abilities as adults. They may seem outwardly confused and defensive, and unwilling to share their grief with their parents, preferring to depend upon their peer group or others for support.

"We appeared to be doing 'good', but I was above ground and my husband was below ground, both managing, and seemingly'strong'. Then, my brother died seven years after Zachary, and we realized we somehow had never checked-in with each other. We had needed help all along and never realized it."- Linda C.

Whether or not you were planning to breastfeed your baby, when your milk comes in after your baby has died, it is often an unexpected shock. This may feel like one more thing that is happening to you over which you have no control. You may produce milk if you lost your baby as early as 16 weeks gestation. How much milk you make is dependent upon your individual body, breast stimulation, and the grieving process. Although the average time for milk to come in is 2-3 days after birth, the grieving process can delay that by several days.

"Writing that first letter to our friends was so hard to do. I used an introduction from a man who had lost his wife and if I hadn't had help on how to start the letter, I don't know if our family would have ever sent another Christmas card. It read... "This will forever be the first letter written without our beloved..." Now, when signing our family's names on cards or gifts, Lissy is included in the signatures with a star." - Resa

Bereavement Resources:

Books

“The Bereaved Parent,” by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff

“When a Baby Dies: A Handbook for Healing and Helping,” by Rana K. Limbo and Sara Rich Wheeler

“Dear Parents: Letters to Bereaved Parents”, by Joy Johnson

“The Bereaved Parents' Survival Guide,” by Juliet Cassuto Rothman

“Meditations for Bereaved Parents,” by Judy Osgood

“An Intimate Loneliness: Supporting Bereaved Parents and Siblings (Facing Death),” by Gordon Riches, Pam Dawson

“The Color Code: A New Way to See Yourself, Your Relationships, and Life,” by Taylor Hartman

Websites